A full email, sure, I can do that—life of a staff officer. Though if you are going to be a staff officer; my job is one of the best. So, it has been a long time. Not since the last set of words passed via the internet, but rather since substance. In reality, it has been a long time before that—through one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, PTSD type bad, not from being shot at, or shot, from a marriage that I should have never been in. Now, that’s not what this email is about. So, moving on… literally and figuratively.
I remember, from, well, the words that were shared. Thoughts, ideas, expressions of life, and even the rare moments of silence. You have always been upfront and honest, I can appreciate that. For the sake of an overly snoopy partner I deleted emails from my past in mass. Gone were the words, the fun, the joy of expression that in the past I tried to find with a pen. A gift that was rarely used over the last three years. With the break, comes apprehension. A rebuild of who and what I am occurred over the past year and has yielded some surprising results.
So, share with me what you will. But, happiness and joy, are the things that have been most missing in the world for me. Though overcome, and placed in perspective, the feelings and thoughts have cooled. I am ready to share, ready to receive, ready to write, to… i guess in one word; “participate.” Don’t worry, I am not asking for anything, unless you have good coffee? The coffee here is horrendous.
There is song by Bob Schneider titled “Boat Song.” It is not on any of his albums, but you can look it up. It’s got a quote in it that goes something like this: I bought a boat, so I’m doing alright, if you know what I mean. The context is quite clear, if you can buy a boat, then life is ok. Well right about now, given everything in my life—though I sold my boat—I’m doing alright. My life is moving forward at rapid pace and I have embraced the winds of change. I am no longer afraid of doing things by myself—alone. Though I hope to not end up alone, I will not slow down to wait for things that are not there. Currently on this crazy train of whatever I have once again traveled around the world, meet some interesting people, and am just enjoying myself.
My new job is the right amount of excitement to keep me on my toes. About a month after arriving in country, I was held up at gun point. Yep, deja-vu, all over against. Should have just painted me green again and sent me back into the woods. Seriously, after everything, I was being shook down by a drugged up kid with an AK-47. Well that is enough excitement for one day. A month later I was driving with a friend east through the town when, I-shit-you-not, a T-72 tank was driving towards me! “Hey mate, I think we have a meeting at HQ…” And I made a quick U-turn and headed AWAY from the tank that was just rolling down the street. Needless to say the civil war here provides enough excitement to, you know, keep me level.
You know I enjoy a good challenge every now and then. It might go hand in hand with excitement in things that keep me level. I would replace the word with balanced; however, I don’t think anyone would consider how I have lived my life as balanced. So, challenges, the first month I was here I was asked to attend peace negotiations. Yes, not a typo, someone thought it would be a good idea for me to sit between nine separate armed factions and… well I don’t know what they expected. I hope it wasn’t to make peace. If so, my track record is quite bad. No seriously, they met me, said fuck this, and began fighting in earnest. So maybe this isn’t the career for me. Obviously I am taking some liberties with the history, if not the facts.
Also, within the first month my thoughts and assessments were managing to make it to the National Security Council. This unfortunately is both a good and bad type of challenge. With the success comes an unending set of questions from people grasping at straws for hope. Yes, hope is not a method by all military observers; however, foreign policy with regards to this country, hope is everything. As we blindly stumble through arguably the darkest corner of Africa our plan is no better than Eddi Izzards commentary “because, well; because I said so!” Our policy towards this place is like a petulant child yelling at a lion that he believes to be a dog. Thank goodness there is a cage the size of Africa and the ocean between the children and the lion.
I have no idea what people care about these days when I share parts of my life. Just like I have no idea how to read people anymore when it comes to my personal life. Seriously, the outcome of the past three years really took a toll on me. For starters I had to learn how to smile. Silly right? Not so much, have a whole blog devoted to it. Now of course I revel in the fact that I can smile and more importantly, people smile back! You have no idea—or maybe you do—how powerful that is. And now at least is like a drug for me. This leads to the idea that I am chasing every girl that comes by. Don’t worry my reputation here is that of a man that likes to smile at the girls with no follow through.
Another tragedy of the last few years, I get stress based hives now… heat type rashes. Ugh, cause I like jobs that are stress free, in areas of the world that are not hot and humid. The doctors of course said, hmmm, shook their heads, said hmmm again. Then asked me what I ate for breakfast. Seriously! It was amazingly painful to go through the allergist then the dermatologist, the back to the special allergist. In the end, the hives went away for almost four months. Yes, it turns out, stress—even when I don’t know about it—gives me hives. So, no big deal (reread the para with tanks and guns.) No seriously, I am talking with all of my friends again; and that alone has taught me some amazing things. Ok, another, hmmm, gift (we will go with gift this time) of the past few years is to let me know, and prove beyond a doubt, that I have the Best. Friends. Ever. So, though I am sure you will think hmm I didn’t play much of a part in this, I would respond with yes you did and thank you! (no seriously you did… a story for another time.)
As for women in my life now, well there are some and that is for the next email. It’s interesting, and humorous, but not love. Not the type of thing to change your life, or even make great stories. For now it is just getting back on my feet and sharing some small experiences with those who can appreciate them. I have found that anything less than that is a disservice to them, or to me. I have added some new friends. You would appreciate some of them; especially the deputy director of the largest program in country. She yells at me all the time when I refer to a horrible set of circumstance that involve the military as “quite fun.”
Well, I would be remiss not to talk about my fears. I am afraid I am too old to find the happiness that after a year of therapy I know that I deserve. Deserving, mostly for doing a year of therapy. I am afraid that I will be too old to enjoy watching my children grow up. I am afraid that I will end up raising someone else’s children. I am afraid that I could be running away from problems. Hell, I am afraid that my ex-wife is going to put a wrench in the not-quite-complete divorce processes. On top of that there is a Senator that got involved, and I am slightly afraid that the Inspector General comes after me for some unknown crimes. I have used the word fear a lot in the past few sentences; it is now, when I find it most important to remind you. I bought a boat, so I am doing ok, if you know what I mean.
Anonymous Africanus 